Thursday, September 20, 2012

Obsessions of Old Blue Hair

Dooley and I are holding out on getting smart phones, like we don’t want to give in to the Man. The truth of the matter is we don’t want to pay the extra money for the required data or internet plan or whatever, and we don’t like being forced into things as if we have no choice. Pretty soon there will be no choice though. Like right now. Verizon doesn’t even sell flip phones anymore, do they? Plus if you have a flip phone of any kind, the cool kids will be mean and taunt you about your FossilPhone, because they think they’re so friggen cool with their InnerWeb Phones. Remember when the Razor was the coolest? (I mean RAZR. They’re that cool.) I had one in college. They are really terrible for talking hands free, squeezed between your ear and shoulder. I definitely don’t recommend trying it while you’re on the potty. Because it’s so dang thin. It slips right out and into the toilet bowl. So next time it’s 2004 and you buy the hot new phone, heed my warning. You’ll either get pee hand/phone, or a clogged toilet, or both; either way you’ll probably want a new Razr phone.

The other thing we were resisting together was satellite television. Or so I thought. We proudly told people we just had local channels and that we still had rabbit ears on our big ass TV (not big as in big screen—big as in deeper than it is wide), and then bit by bit, we were overtaken. First by an actual flat screen HD blah blah blah television, which came with a super sweet internet box, so we could stream Netflix and Hulu and Pandora, etc., etc., etc., which I actually do enjoy. We still had our local channels, and there was always plenty to watch. Then the fateful day arrived when Dooley joined a forking fantasy football league (whyyyyy???), and he wanted 24-7 access to all football. Imagine my excitement when he signed us up for a two-year contract where we will pay ridiculous amounts of money to get an asinine number of crappy channels Just. For. Football. Well, that and Rodeo stuff, and How It’s Made, and Storage Wars, and Pawn Stars, which are alright by me. But SERIOUSLY. There are less than ten channels that are worth a crap, and I, as foretold, spend the whole time scrolling the infinite menu of programming, and end up getting mad and  turning it off and sticking a VHS tape in our VCR. Yes we still use those. Guess how many stupid inputs we have on our TV now? FIVE. (TV, VCR, DVD, Internet Box, Satellite.) It is a little challenging to explain how to watch TV to our parents when they come over to babysit.

I am already an old man. Resenting the march of progress, lamenting the fact that things better back when. (You know, I was alive when gas cost $0.99/gallon!) But VHS tapes are just better than DVDs!!! They are so much more durable and long-lasting; they don’t get scratched or broken, so you can let your toddler handle them with minimal fear of instant destruction. And flip phones just seem more resilient than those touch screen things, so many of which I have seen shattered beyond repair. Like Humpty Dumpty. Plus people are all freaks about their smartphones. Like going out to dinner and sitting across from each other just looking at their phones all night, holding half-assed conversations because they're always distracted.
(That said, when I finally give in, I will probably be all over it too.)
I will also concede that the DVR is great, but only to record the shows I like which are on local channels anyway. (Or we could watch them on Hulu.) Of course, satellite TV does have What Not to Wear…because, you know, I need to keep my pajamas current and stuff.

I did cut my hair though. Really short again, which I like and don’t like. The last time I had hair this short was probably around ten years ago, give or take, which in and of itself is a depressing thought—thinking in decades—but the more depressing part of it is realizing how I’m not pulling it off as well as I did, cuz my face shape changed and I put on weight. I was telling a friend that on my fat ugly days I feel like a gross man. Makeup and accessories are my friend with hair this short, except I never leave the house so why would I do those things? Anyway, it’s actually a cute cut, brushed forward into longish bangs a la Justin Beiber, and I got purplish-blue highlights to make it more fun (except they’re still new and dark so the contrast is minimal and you can barely see them). I’d take a picture but I don’t have any makeup on. Kidding. But seriously. The shampoo foam turns blue in the shower, and if one blue hair falls onto the white porcelain of my sink, it leaves a blue line. So you'd THINK you could actually see that I have some blue hair...but no, only on closer inspection. Sadly.

But back to television. We are obsessed with the show Weeds. It’s funny and smart and gripping and it sucks you in bad. (Spoiler: *surprise!* it's about marijuana. Also there is bad language and sex. Don’t watch it with your kids or your mom…if she’s like my mom anyway.) We just discovered it, even though it’s in season 8 currently. We are in season 4 on Netflix, watching a few episodes at naptime every day, before Dooley goes to work for the night shift (he insists that I don’t watch ahead without him). The last show I watched fanatically on Netflix was Samantha Who, but there were only two seasons and I whipped right through it. I like Christina Applegate. And before that, our shared compulsion was Sons of Anarchy, which we are also behind on, and felt a gaping hole when we exhausted all three seasons that Netflix had to offer. 

I realized that I get sucked into these shows because they offer an escape to an entirely different existence, and when they are over I have emptiness and reality. And poop everywhere. Okay it’s not really quite that sad. I was also obsessed with a book series—now don’t judge, but it was about werewolves and vampires. I know! For shame! But it is NOT Twilight. It’s the “Parasol Protectorate” (as if that is less embarrassing) and it’s actually sort of clever and captivating…Jane Austen style/era comedy action mystery urban fantasy “steampunk” romance novel (see how good I’d be as a professional book critic?!) Yes, it is silly, but it was a very entertaining escape, and certainly to an entirely different reality. The point is, I keep getting sucked into series of things and tear through them only to be left with a big hole of boredom. I recently read Tina Fey’s autobiography “Bossy Pants”, which I loved; I just finished reading “Running with Scissors” and I’m in the middle of “1984”. While I enjoy both for very different reasons, neither of them really sucked me in. Any suggestions? Clearly I don't mind frivolity. Until I am *allowed* to watch Weeds alone, or if another season of S.O.A. is released (which I probably won’t be permitted to watch alone either), or until I get really into another book series, I will be forced to stay up all night blogging random rants like this one. At least while Dooley is working nights.

For anyone needing an escape, this is a fun read.


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